Purple Game Boy
2008
Men And Stuff And Why They Hold Onto It
It’s a mystery why men never get rid of stuff, but the fact is each man probably has at least the equivalent of one railroad boxcar full of stuff that he’s going to take to his grave. Now, everybody knows that men and boys differ only by the cost of their toys, but it should also be said that all of the things they each collect help to differentiate them as well.
For example, consider a ski helmet. It may be that this harmless little helmet — sitting all alone in the corner gathering dust and threatening nobody, no person or country, even — was obtained during freshman year of college. Never mind that that freshman year was back when Jimmy Carter was busily running for president, it’s over in that corner nonetheless and isn’t going anywhere.
This helmet will probably be found by archaeologists 4 million years from now, petrified and yet still sitting in what was once the corner of a room. No man in his right mind wants to get rid of a helmet they used only once, correct? Perhaps this is because it’s a tie to a past that’s long gone and at least eight waist inches ago, but who really knows? Certainly no man does.
Another fine example of things men never get rid of is the typical black sport watch. This particular item most likely broke down when Bill Clinton was running for president back in 1992 and there’s no hope of getting it fixed. But the memories attached to the watch somehow require that the watch itself be present in order to send out all those positive vibes. At least, that’s what most men believe.
Generally speaking, women understand men far better than they themselves do when it comes to this sort of pack rat behavior. They get that men have a gene that prevents them from throwing away even the most obscure and unlamented object and don’t even try to get most guys to get rid of those Buster Brown shoes from the early 60s. Indeed, the shoes are here to stay even after the women have given up in disgust and left.
Men seem to need these physical objects far more than many women do. Consider a man who grew up as a boy that played a lot of sandlot ball. This man has a cracked black helmet upon his mantle that is almost the equivalent of the Purple Heart medal. The ball hit it one day and didn’t hit him in the head, which means a lot to him, one might suppose, though it means nothing to anybody else.
This is why men tend to make the best museum curators and cultural historians. They look back at history and see nothing but an unbroken line of men, all collecting stuff. Even the pharaohs collected stuff to the ultimate degree and actually tried to take it all with them, including their living servants. Perhaps at some point in the future, an archaeologist will find a watch, a helmet and something to do with snow and scratch her head about what it all means, though any man would be able to explain it all.
Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto’s Rampage – all scenes
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